Rich people ruin Disney, Kim is going to follow Kanye around the world, and Chris Brown continues to be the biggest dick alive.
Lindsay Lohan wants to save the children of the world, useless people want more money for being useless, & Bieber thinks apartheid was totally lame.
Rapper Vanilla Ice will star in a new reality show called “Vanilla Ice Goes Amish” where the former star will live with “no frills, no music, and no power tools”. Vanilla Ice, just because you’re broke, doesn’t mean you’re Amish. It just means you’re a has-been.
Chris Brown’s father recently told the Daily News that he disapproves of his son getting back together with his ex Rihanna. I can understand why he wouldn’t like Rihanna, she seems to like to party, her lyrics are very sexual, she’s always smashing her face into his son’s face. Almost anyone would seem like a better match.
Proving once again she always has her priorities in order, Lindsay Lohan claims to have packed almost three hundred different outfits for her 90 day rehab stay. This had her rethink her choice of rehab facility as the one she planned on attending has a limit on how much luggage one can bring with you. I’m with Lindsay on this one. How can she be expected to focus on recovery when everyone around her has all ready seen her in that outfit?
CNN, in an attempt to help viewers visualize the prison cell the surviving Boston bomber is currently staying in, set up a small tent on the street, with Wolf Blitzer regularly going to the tent for updates. CNN, you gotta let this one go! The Boston Bombing is your white buffalo, the more you go after it, the worse you look. I know this is a big story but other things are going on, maybe focus on them for a little while before you solidify your status as the Honey Boo-Boo of cable news.
In a recent interview, President Obama said he has threatened his daughters that if they ever get tattoos, then he and Michelle will get tattoos too. This could lead Obama to not only be the first black president, but the first president to have a tramp stamp.
A recent study showed that only 1 in 5 Americans get enough exercise. The other 80% waiting to exercise when they are big enough to be a Biggest Loser contestant.
Former governor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin accused Democrats of exploiting the Newton tragedy to push gun control. Yeah, Democrats, tragedies can only be exploited if terrorism is involved or someone can find a way to blame it on the gays. Learn the rules!
In a recent interview Justin Bieber said he worries if a girl asked him out, it would damage his masculinity. He does realize 2 in 3 lesbians are mistaken for him and he’s been waxing his brows since he grew out his bangs? His masculinity isn’t just damaged; it’s been in a coma for five years.
Jason’s Collins ex-fiancé Carolyn Moos is furious with him for coming out, claiming the basketball star stole eight years of her child-bearing life and is planning to freeze her eggs so she is ready for when Mr. Right comes along. Moos says her dream date is spending the day shopping, then go see a Broadway musical, and then wrap up the night by splitting a bottle of wine and watching a Real Housewives marathon so guys get in line!
Internet star Antoine Dodson claims he is no longer gay and wants to settle down and start a family, saying a recent conversion to Judaism caused the change of heart. Hey, Carolyn Moos, I hear somebody’s single!
A teacher in Texas accused of fondling a young student says she cannot be guilty because the child is black and she avoids even hugging her black students out of prejudice. Oh, so you’re not a child molester but you are a racist, oh go right ahead and continue teaching our youth.
In a recent interview, former president George W. Bush said it’s been hard adjusting to life after the presidency saying, “one day you’re being briefed on world affairs and asked to make decisions, and the next, you’re in Crawford, Texas … and the biggest decision is when do you go mountain bike riding.” Let’s be fair Mr. President, even when you were commander in chief, you were still mostly thinking about mountain biking.
A Maine man known as the North Pond Hermit who is currently in jail after stealing food from a camp for those with special needs and has lived in the woods with seemingly no human contact in almost thirty years, has received a marriage proposal. Meanwhile, an accountant with three cats has just updated his JDate profile.
Teen Mom star Farrah Abrahams is telling reports she never attended to make a sex tape with porn star James Deen, but had originally hired Deen and a film crew to film a wedding video. Wow, don’t you just hate when the imaginary wedding video you make with a film crew and an adult film actor you just met because just another disgusting sex tape? I can’t tell you how many innocent wedding videos I’ve tried to film only to have them suddenly get all porny on me.
Sharon Osbourne was seen without her wedding ring while moving into a new home sparking rumors that she was parting ways with her rocker husband Ozzy Osbourne. He’s cheated on her, done drugs, he even bit the head off a live bird, what could he do to piss Sharon off, remember her birthday?
During her divorce proceedings Kim Kardashian admitted she spends more time away from boyfriend Kanye West than with him.This news was followed by rumors that the two are fighting because Kanye wants to live in Paris, while Kardashian does not want to leave her family and reality show in LA. Wow, if these fame obsessed, attention whores can’t make it work, what hope do any of us have?
Barney creator Sheryl Leach is being sued by a neighbor for letting her mentally unstable twenty-seven year old son own a gun. Wow, childhood is being murder one beloved character at a time. Barney has a crazy gun wielding son, Elmo’s having sex with teenage boys, what next, we’re going to find out Mr. Rogers wear all those sweaters to hide track marks?
A man in Tacoma has been charged with bigamy after Facebook suggested his first wife become friends with his other wife in their “People You May Know” feature. Stranger still, this is not the first time this has happen, giving Facebook the official title of “Worst wingman ever”.
Ohio lawmakers have added an amendment to a budget bill making it illegal for schools to teach any form of sex ed because studies show nothing gets teenagers going like their middle aged health teacher awkwardly describing how a penis works.
Conservative pundit Glenn Reynolds tweeted at former congresswomen and shooting victim Gabby Giffords “Try more respect and reason, less emotional bullying next time” in regards to gun control, because if there’s a group who knows for bullying, it’s women who’ve been shot in the head.
Hey, I’m not dead just been plotting my next move, which will be weekly podcasts featuring my, hopefully, humerous take on the events of the week. Take a listen!
Is there anyone in Hollywood as likable as Jason Segel? The rising film star has made a niche for himself playing lovable losers and Jeff, Who Lives at Home is no exception. In another actor’s hands, Jeff might have been too doofy to root for, but Segel injects a sweetness to the character that makes you keep your fingers crossed that he, in the end, finds his destiny. The rest of the cast (including Susan Sarandon and Ed Helms who were last seen as lover and are mother and son here- ew) are also strong in their roles as regular people unwillingly being dragged out of their ruts by the events of one day.
Jeff (Jason Segel) spends his days hanging out in his mother’s basement. He receives a call that anyone else would write off as a wrong number, but Jeff is convinced it is a sign regarding his destiny. Forced to leave the house to run an errand for his mother (Susan Sarandon), he follows a series of what he thinks are clues which lead to him getting mugged, his brother (Ed Helms) totaling his new Porsche, and the two brothers trailing Helms’ possibly adulterous wife (Judy Greer), before Jeff eventually stumbles upon his Kevin related destiny.
Written and directed by Mumblecore kings Jay & Mark Duplas, some will most likely find it too slow, but I tend to like slice of life films. Jeff , brother Pat, and mother Sharon are real people. There is a sub-plot where Sharon receives flirtation messages at work. Watching the lonely widow receive the messages with a mixture of glee and paranoia, is very touching and her admirer’s surprising identity is an interesting move that satisfied me even though I saw it coming. While it doesn’t have the thrills per minute of an action movie, I found myself shaking in anticipation during the film’s climax.
Taken 2: In Istanbul, retired CIA operative Bryan Mills and his wife are taken hostage by the father of a kidnapper Mills killed while rescuing his daughter.
Starring: Liam Neeson, Famke Janssen and Maggie Grace
To See or Not to See: Probably a miss for me. Didn’t see the first one. Seems like the series could go off indefinitely with people kidnapping his third cousin and his high school sweetheart’s neighbor. People need to learn to stop messing with this guy’s family!
To Rome With Love: The lives of some visitors and residents of Rome and the romances, adventures and predicaments they get into.
Starring: Woody Allen, Alec Baldwin, Jesse Eisenberg, Ellen Page
To See or Not to See: Probably. I enjoyed Midnight in Paris and some other Woody Allen films, but this does not appear to be the auteur’s finest.
Won’t Back Down: Two determined mothers¬, one a teacher, look to transform their children’s failing inner city school. Facing a powerful and entrenched bureaucracy, they risk everything to make a difference in the education and future of their children.
Starring: Viola Davis, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Holly Hunter
To See or Not to See: Gyllenhaal is a fan of playing political characters but it doesn’t do much for her career. Some strong ladies in the cast but the story is a little Eh.
The Possession: A young girl buys an antique box at a yard sale, unaware that inside the collectible lives a malicious ancient spirit. The girl’s father teams with his ex-wife to find a way to end the curse upon their child.
Starring: Natasha Calis, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Kyra Sedgwick
To See or Not to See: I can’t even remember this being in theaters. Another horror flick with a creepy kid? Pass!
Gangster Squad: A chronicle of the LAPD’s fight to keep East Coast Mafia types out of Los Angeles in the 1940s and 50s.
Starring: Sean Penn, James Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Giovanni Ribisi,
Will I See it?: The cast alone makes this one intriguing, but I love gangster stuff and modern noir so I will definitely check this one out, if not in theaters than definitely on DVD.
A Haunted House: Malcolm and Keisha move into their dream home, but soon learn a demon also resides there. When Kisha becomes possessed, Malcolm – determined to keep his sex life on track – turns to a priest, a psychic, and a team of ghost-busters for help.
Starring: Marlon Wayans, Essence Atkins, Marlene Forte, David Koechner
Will I See it?: While the Scary Movie franchise is totally played out, but the trailer for this actually looks funny. Will still wait for reviews before seeing it.
Quartet: At a home for retired opera singers, the annual concert to celebrate Verdi’s birthday is disrupted by the arrival of Jean, an eternal diva and the former wife of one of the residents.
Starring: Maggie Smith, Michael Gambon, Billy Connolly, Tom Courtenay
Will I See it?: Probably not. Despite the strong cast, this isn’t really something you rush to see on the big screen.
Struck By Lightning: After being struck and killed by lightning, a young man recounts the way he blackmailed his fellow classmates into contributing to his literary magazine.
Starring: Chris Colfer, Rebel Wilson, Christina Hendricks, Dermot Mulroney
Will I See It? Maybe on Netflix. Not a Glee fan, but people are comparing this to Heathers. Could be cool but there’s so many other movies coming out right now.
$ellebrity : Celebrity photographer Kevin Mazur gives an all access pass to life behind the velvet rope and in front of the camera.
Features: Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kid Rock
Will I See It?: Maybe on Netflix if the reviews are strong.
Storage 24: In London, a military plane crashes leaving its highly classified contents strewn across the city. Completely unaware that the city is in lockdown, a group of people become trapped inside a storage facility with a highly unwelcome guest.
Starring: Noel Clarke, Colin O’Donoghue, Antonia Campbell-Hughes, Laura Haddock
Will I See it?: Probably not, unless I start hearing really great word of mouth.
Zero Dark Thirty: A chronicle of the decade-long hunt for al-Qaeda terrorist leader Osama bin Laden after the September 2001 attacks, and his death at the hands of the Navy S.E.A.L. Team 6 in May, 2011.
Starring: Jessica Chastain, Joel Edgerton, Chris Pratt, Mark Strong
Will I See It?: Probably, some are calling it a shoe in for Best Picture. Wasn’t that enthralled by Hurt Locker, but the search for Bin Laden is much more intriguing to me.
In the not too distant future time travel is reality and is used by the mob to dispose of someone who gets in their way. The send them back 30 years where a looper is waiting for them to take them out, leaving no evidence in the victim’s present and the murder untraceable. Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a looper and knows at any time the boss could “close his loop”, meaning they would send his future self for him to kill in exchange for a large payoff. However, his future self (Bruce Willis) has other plans and intends to change the future and save his wife by killing her murderer as a child.
A lot of surprises for me here. Going by the trailer, I thought the drama stemmed from Gordon-Levitt discovering he had to kill his future self, but he was quite prepare for that. Didn’t know Emily Blunt was even in this, as she plays the mother of the child Willis must kill. Kudos on the American accent, Miss Blunt. Sometimes when a plot is not what I expected, I’m disappointed, but Looper had a lot more meat than I was anticipating.
With any film that takes place in the future, there’s a lot of world building exposition, and Looper is no exception. The first twenty minutes or so, you’re bombarded with a lot of information and key slang (like blunderbuss and TK) but everything has their place and importance. The future present here is a dirty and dangerous one, much like the world of Blade Runner. Gordon-Levitt’s Joe sleeps with prostitutes (or at least one prostitute), does drugs, and has a posing little weasel for a best friend (played by Paul Dano who seems to specialize in weaklings). While watching this film, I realized that Gordon-Levitt plays a lot of lonely guys, someone give the guy a hug!
2012 was a pretty strong year for kid performances and newcomer Pierce Gagnon is terrifying as Cid. I never wanted to see a kid get shot so much. He just is such a creepy little guy and while, yes, his mother loves him and sometimes he can look cute, but no good can come of him being allowed to reach adulthood.
One thing that bugged me was the excessive use of lens flairs. Once the action moved to the country, they calmed down, but early on it was driving me to distraction. I know people who hate on the use of shaky cam, but I find excessive lens flair way more obnoxious.
This was a strong year for Joseph Gordon-Levitt and I give the guy a lot of credit, he’s becoming a star on his own terms. You can always tell what drew him to the project and he isn’t doing stuff for the paycheck. I look forward to more interesting choice from him in the future.
Some interesting new titles on DVD & Blu Ray this week…
Game Change: Follows the 2008 presidential campaign of John McCain and his choice of Alaskan governor Sarah Palin as his running mate, her meteoric rise in the media spotlight and their eventual defeat in the general election.
Starring: Julianne Moore, Woody Harrelson, Ed Harris
To See or Not to See: Heard great things about this one and it won a bunch of Emmys (including one for Outstanding Writing won by Danny Strong aka Jonathan from Buffy). While Tina Fey defined Sarah Palin for America, it looks like Julianne Moore does a great job here and HBO always does a great job of dramatizing America’s great political blunders (see also Recount). Definitely not to be missed!
Compliance: Based on actual events: a series of prank calls to a fast food manager leads him to interrogate a young, female employee to the point of abuse that leaves no one unharmed.
Starring: Ann Dowd, Dreama Walker, Pat Healy
To See or Not to See: While the subject matter sounds a tad hard to stomach, everyone I know who saw this has raved about it and it made on several people’s best of the year list. While I definitely should see it, it is definitely not light viewing so I might put it off a bit.
Dredd: The future is now – police have been given the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner and a veteran cop partners with a trainee in order to take down a deadly gang that has introduced a new drug, SLO-MO, that alters reality.
Starring: Karl Urban, Olivia Thirlby, Lena Headey
To See or Not to See: Didn’t really understand why this remake was needed and totally didn’t even realize it had been in theaters. While it seems like this was an upgrade from the Stallone version, and I do love Urban in the Trek reboot, it doesn’t seem like it did that great in the box office so I don’t know if there will be any sequel. This will probably be one I miss unless the right people tell me to check it out.
House at the End of the Street: A mother and daughter move into a new town and into a house next door to where a young girl murdered her parents. After befriending the son who survived the incident, it becomes apparent this story isn’t over yet.
Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Elisabeth Shue, Max Thieriot
To See or Not to See: Not a big horror movie fan myself, but Hubby is and found this one underwhelming, so I will skip this one and will probably be talked into seeing Cabin in the Woods instead.